I’ve had anxiety since elementary school and at times in my adulthood, depression. A lot of the time I’m able to work alongside my anxiety and I feel it allows me to be productive and energetic. Adding in the hormones from pregnancy really threw me for a loop however…
For months, up until fairly recently, I was so tired and overwhelmed that I wanted to die. And not in a playful “I’m so tired I could die” manner, but in a “this feels like the only way to get some rest” kind of way and I was desperate for rest.
Some days I’d be up all night and I’d beg for TJ to stay home from work the next morning, or snap on him even when he was trying to help. He had a habit of falling asleep with the baby and I was angry that I couldn’t trust him to take a night shift, when I needed it the most. I felt solely responsible for EVERYTHING.
I’d sort of lose it at night and I remember one time handing the baby off to him but being so mad because I couldn’t ACTUALLY take a turn to sleep because I knew he would fall asleep with her. I proceeded to scream and kick the crap out of a box of diapers that happened to be nearby.
I. Couldn’t. Do it. Anymore. I don’t know how many times I said that. I did continue on, but I wasn’t there like I should’ve been and I didn’t enjoy it like I was told I should enjoy it. Looking back from where I’m at now, it’s scary how dark of a place I was in. I was ANGRY, so so angry. And then other feelings like guilt followed because I felt like a terrible mom and thought that something was wrong with me, like, WHY couldn’t I just be thankful for this new perfect little life?! Yet there I was, wanting to run away.
And if you’re wondering, yes, I did tell my doctor that I was getting NO sleep and didn’t feel okay. I actually said the words “I’m not okay,” and I was told “Yeah, you should really get some more sleep or you’ll become psychotic.” I was already there, but I didn’t get any help.
I tried a psychologist and I really enjoyed talking to her, but even when I’d open up about my racing thoughts, feelings as a mother, isolation, resentment, I was told “That sounds like pretty normal ‘mother’ feelings.” She was probably just trying to justify my feelings but I took it as my feelings weren’t worth anything, because they were “normal.”
I don’t want ANYONE to think that what they’re feeling isn’t worthy of attention or acknowledgement. You’re going to get through this and look back and think… how the hell did I do it?! We need to break the stigma and talk about these things because they’re REAL. Please ask for help. You have a purpose here!
It’s truly amazing how much you can still love even when you don’t have anything to give. Cling to what you can to push through another day. Let’s live this life together, let’s do great things. Let’s talk about it so other people don’t feel so alone. ♥️ We CAN do this. #suicideprevention